INT. MASERATI - NIGHT
MAIDEN AMERICA turns ignition key and starts engine. Retrieves iPhone from vest pocket.
MAIDEN AMERICA
Dude, (a beat)
TAYLOR SWIFT and I are going to be at PHARRELL’S party this evening.
T.K., EMINEM, GWEN STEFANI, and ROBIN THICKE will be there.
Text or call at the airport.
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET - NIGHT
MAIDEN AMERICA drives to park Maserati next to building. Closed garage door.
MAIDEN AMERICA
(talking on iPhone)
I'm parked just outside your place.
Garage door lifts open. MAIDEN AMERICA drives Maserati inside.
INT. RESIDENCE OF PHARRELL
Ten, fifteen people in five, six groups. Camera pans into and through television room, music room, stopping at billiard and foosball room where MAIDEN AMERICA, PHARRELL, I.AM.WILL, and GWEN STEFANI are playing foosball.
I.AM.WILL
Score!
GWEN STEFANI
Total luck.
One bounce from all the way across the table.
I.AM.WILL
Yup.
In another room, loud voices heard.
PHARRELL
I’m tired of this.
Let’s see what they’re watching on the tube.
MAIDEN AMERICA sits alongside EMINEM. Television has Bill O’Reilly interviewing LOUIS FARRAKHAN and Ann Coulter on the O’Reilly Factor.
TONY KANAL
What you sayin’?
President Obama isn’t a leader?
That’s a funny thing.
EMINEM
They’re all just reacting to any situation.
None of ‘em, Democrat or Republican have a plan,
and are leaders in the true sense of the word.
TAYLOR SWIFT
What kind of plan should they have
for what they’re talking about now,
for immigration, let’s say?
EMINEM turns to look at MAIDEN AMERICA.
MAIDEN AMERICA
(chuckling her trademark low bass-toned chuckle)
Get into it. He ain’t here to talk the talk.
EMINEM
Let me make mention of several nations, first.
Germany. Japan. South Korea.
Hong Kong, which is actually a city-State,
but still pertains to what I’ll say.
(a beat)
At the end of World War Two
Germany was a mess.
All the major cities were bombed, flattened.
The infrastructure was destroyed.
People were starving.
The nation was literally in ruins.
Two generations of time passes and
the people and the leaders of the nation
have picked themselves up to become
one of three leading economic powers in the world.
MAIDEN AMERICA
Germany became one of the top three
leading economic powers of the world, again!
This wasn’t the first time they did this to themselves.
PHARRELL
So they got lucky.
EMINEM
Perhaps. But the leaders and the people of Japan
also accomplished a similar feat.
After the cultural humiliation of defeat at war,
the leaders and the people of Japan picked themselves up,
and within two generations of time,
as MAIDEN AMERICA states,
today they are once again of the three
leading economic powers of the world.
How did Germany and Japan do that?
What is it in these people and the leaders they chose
which then creates the environment
so that the people will work to then recreate
constructive, industrious, prosperous nations for themselves?
MAIDEN AMERICA
President Obama and his crew
don’t have these goals in mind
as they carry out their official duties.
In fact, none of the leaders in any political party
over the last fifty years, since the last World War,
has any idea how these two nations did what they did.
Democrats don't want to think this way.
No conservative think tanks, or magazines or books
bring up this topic on how they did what they did.
TAYLOR SWIFT
I’ve never heard ANN COULTER talk this kind of talk,
in any of her books or weekly columns, that’s for sure.
Snickers and chuckles from everyone in room.
EMINEM
So here is Farrakhan and people of like mind saying
white Americans are racist for not allowing
illegal immigrants to remain here.
All these nations where the immigrants come from
have leaders who are clueless on how to
turn their nation into another Germany or Japan.
If these leaders did know how and then do this
there wouldn’t be so many people wanting to
immigrate over to the West.
MAIDEN AMERICA
Turn themselves into another South Korea, or Hong Kong.
EMINEM
Leaders of Third World nations
want United Nations money only to
make their own lives comfortable.
They aren’t leaders of nations.
Not in the true, literal sense of the word.
They’re weak minded men.
(a beat)
Immigrants who have made something of themselves
here in the West should go back
to their nations and change the laws.
Run for office. Talk the talk. Get elected.
Kick the bums out.
And in two generations time
figure out what’s wrong and then
change their nation for the better.
Make themselves and their people really proud
instead of pathetically proud of their nationality.
They should become the new revolutionaries.
Capitalist revolutionaries.
People look at EMINEM. Silence.
EMINEM
(continue)
(continue)
People can if they really want to.
They can change their nation to be as prosperous
as Germany and Japan became today.
You’re your own worst enemy,
(chuckle)
and just weak or thick-headed by saying, thinking,
“I can’t. We can’t. It can’t be done.”
EMINEM turns to watch television.
FARRAKHAN
The white race owes the black man for years of slavery.
EMINEM
O’Reilly or Coulter should ask him,
“How is it that African people of today,
in all of recorded history,
have never picked themselves up even once?”
Let me answer that for you.
Because the type of thoughts in your head right now
are more important to you
than any constructive thoughts
you could ever hope to entertain.
EMINEM runs his the fingers of his hand through his hair several times.
GWEN STEFANI
EMINEM, wanna go outside on the balcony for awhile?
Get some fresh air.
EMINEM and GWEN STEFANI exit room.
TAYLOR SWIFT
People like FARRAKHAN are odd.
How can anyone believe in a Creator God
if you turn out to become someone like him?
MAIDEN AMERICA
There is a Creator God.
People like FARRAKHAN believe Mohamed
had some special relation with God.
But the Creator God was never intimate with Mohamed.
The Creator never shared or expressed Its thoughts to Mohamed.
TAYLOR SWIFT
You think so? How you know?
MAIDEN AMERICA
Mohamed was a war lord.
He conquered places.
Took things he wanted from places he conquered.
Long story short, he married a six year old girl.
Consummated with this girl at nine years of age.
TAYLOR SWIFT
(laughs)
What?!
SNOOP LION
(chuckles)
Wow. Who told you that?
MAIDEN AMERICA
True story.
Some guy named Bukhari writes about it.
I’ll pull up the page on the cell phone.
MAIDEN AMERICA begins typing on cell phone.
MAIDEN AMERICA
(texting while talking)
Wherever you find the Qur’an being taught,
places like Islamist universities and madrasa,
you’ll find the books of this guy Bukhari
to help explain things, too.
Many Muslims don’t know about these verses,
or if they do they don’t want to believe them true.
But like I said, for centuries, wherever you found the Qur’an
you found Bukhari, too.
I can’t imagine any reason why these thoughts
of Mohamed weren’t thrown out
unless they were authentic and true.
TAYLOR SWIFT
Muslims believe Mohamed had revelations,
thoughts from the Creator God,
and these revelations are written inside the Qur’an?
MAIDEN AMERICA
That’s the rub.
Even if Bukhari’s words about Mohamed weren’t true,
their Muslim god Allah must’ve known and realized that
a countless number of Mohamed’s followers
over the centuries would read Bukhari and wonder
about the relationship their prophet had with Allah.
There are no revelations of Mohamed written in the Qur’an
which state something like,
“Messenger of Allah, I Allah designed children in a way …?
in a way that they’re not made for sex.”
Or some such thing like that.
Wow, what a great revelation that would be
if something like that were eloquently written inside the Qur’an.
But there are no written revelations inside the Qur’an
from Allah to Mohamed that shed light in this direction.
Imagine of all the revelations of Mohamed
claimed to have come from his god Allah,
and not one of these revelations
was in reference to refute the reports of Bukhari,
or even to show a source of divine respect for the child.
That’s some great, helpful god, huh?
I mean, wow.
Here. Read this.
MAIDEN AMERICA hands cell phone to SNOOP LION.
SNOOP LION
I’ve read some things in the Qur’an.
And know the guy Bukhari you’re talking about.
The guy is cited alot on webpages.
I didn’t come across the passages you’re referring to.
I’ll have to check it out next time I have time.
(a beat)
Good lord.
My favorite search engine is dogpile.com,
and the terms, "while I was playing in a swing with some of my girl friends"
done did bring up more than seven pages of website links.
I’m going to email these pages to myself, OK?
MAIDEN AMERICA begins nodding her head, and hips (like, yeah.)
SNOOP LION
(continuing)
Oh, lordy lord.
Wow.
(chuckle)
Imagine politicians like President Obama
or Mitt Romney,
knowing this about Mohamed
and it doesn’t trip the wires
for a zero tolerance policy or attitude to be brought upon their friends
in Saudi Arabia, or Turkey, or Pakistan,
or anywhere over them parts of the world.
I can’t imagine them bringing up the subject, asking,
“You guys know this about Mo’ and still hang out with the guy?”
(a beat)
Wow.
TAYLOR SWIFT
(to SNOOP LION)
Let me read that page when you’re done?
(beat)
I was watching “Meet The Press” the other day.
Tom Brokaw was being interviewed about the Boston bombing.
What I got out of watching and listening
(beat)
Brokaw saying he travels around the Middle East
and young people from the area come up to him and say,
“We love America, but if you harm one hair on my sister
I will fight you forever.”
And I thought, does Brokaw think to respond to these young folk
by asking, “People from your country have attacked my people.
Will you help me and my friends to find these people
and bring them to justice?
Help me to find these people
before other innocent brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers die
while we fight to capture these people who attacked our nation.”
No, Brokaw doesn’t respond like a man who has been attacked himself,
and then wants justice for himself.
He goes on about drones in Afghanistan causing rage against the U.S.
SNOOP LION
If Brokaw did go around foreign lands talking investigation stuff
to the small town folk
he’d end up snookered,
dead like journalist Daniel Pearl.
Best for him if he talks to his own kind of folk.
TAYLOR SWIFT
So many journalists don’t speak reality.
And then just let the chips fall where they may.
(beat)
Oh, my god.
Mohamed married a kid? Wow.
What would all these journalists in the West do if they actually knew this?
About Mohamed and Islam?
MAIDEN AMERICA
The real issue isn’t that Mohamed married a girl and everything.
From what I’ve read and come to understand
(beat)
I think of him as a lucky dude
(beat)
who lived fourteen hundred years ago.
Mohamed talks a talk which brings a bunch of guys to
go to battle for him.
And Mohamed and his friends do win so many battles.
They sack towns and villages,
and conquer entire swaths of land.
They take what they want from whatever land they’ve conquered.
I imagine one day
this kid who must’ve been like
(beat)
like beauty pageant material,
a Jon Benét Ramsey type of thing
strolls into the presence of Mohamed somehow.
Unusually pretty she is. He wants her.
He wants her like someone wants an exotic pet.
Or a particular work of art to decorate the home with.
Something to put in his pocket, and show off to his friends.
To pet and play with when he’s in the mood.
Whatever, Mohamed wants this pretty
(beat)
thing.
So he takes it.
SNOOP LION
Sure. It’s not like he follows scruples we live with today.
MAIDEN AMERICA
Uhm? Sort of.
Ya’ know, I suppose everyone knows
(beat)
you look at a kid of six, nine years of age
and everyone just knows and realizes that they’re not made for sex.
And if you’re one who has this sense of a Creator, a god
who is responsible for the creation of all that is in the world,
you also realize to understand the Creator
has intentionally designed kids to be this way,
you know, psychologically and physically, for Its own good reasons,
It wants children to be non-sexual because?
(beat)
because of the way we see It designed them to be.
TAYLOR SWIFT
(chuckle)
Great psychoanalysis of the Creator God, Doctor.
MAIDEN AMERICA
But what I’m saying is true, right?
TAYLOR SWIFT nods in agreement.
SNOOP LION
Sure, of course.
But eventually Mohamed does have sex with her.
MAIDEN AMERICA
Don’t ask me how, but yeah, he does.
SNOOP LION
I’ll tell you how.
‘Cause sometimes even that thing Snoop Lion
can get turned on and hard at the strangest times.
Things got a mind of its own, if you know what I’m sayin’.
MAIDEN AMERICA
Yeah. And you and I know
you don’t have to use it
if you don’t want to.
But in Mohamed’s time people beat, whip slaves.
They kill people for petty things.
I watch the movie, Gladiator, and realize
the world back then is harsh and unforgiving.
And I don’t see Mohamed as a totally wicked type of dude.
You know, just because he went out of the norm with this kid.
It’s not like the kid went batty or crazy as she got older
because she hung around Mohamed early on.
SNOOP LION
(snickers)
What about if you read that the other wives of Mohamed
would watch as he punches the kid in the stomach
as foreplay? Before sex.
You think Mohamed would be a weird sort of dude, then?
MAIDEN AMERICA
If I read something like that then, yes, of course,
the guy definitely has a few loose screws in his canoe.
But here’s the reason why I know Mohamed
was just an ordinary dude, and with no special
or intimate relation with the Creator.
(beat)
OK, I know what the Creator thinks, and wants
because of the way It intentionally designed children.
And here is Mohamed doing sexual things with the nine year old kid
for the next three, four, five years.
Of all the revelations Mohamed claimed to have had, supposedly from the Creator,
not one was of the sort,
“Mohamed, I designed children to be non-sexual.
Cease and desist activity with this kid at this very moment.”
(beat)
OK, and now I imagine reading Bukhari.
And I’m reading the beautiful and elegant verses from the Creator
which further expound upon this command to Mohamed.
I then read further along to find Mohamed
actually did stop his sexual relations with this kid.
(beat)
He maybe puts her in another tent with the other wives
and never touches her again till she’s older.
Imagine to read in Bukhari that Mohamed
wrote a special prayer to his god Allah invoking sorrow and shame
having been involved with the child as such,
and asking his god for forgiveness.
Oh, my God. I would freak reading things like that.
But I don’t.
You know what I’m saying?
TAYLOR SWIFT
The warlord superego that Mohamed must’ve possessed
stops sexual activity with the kid
(beat)
on his own?
Or rather, because of some thought in his head?
I would wonder, too,
(chuckle)
what got into Mohamed’s head just then.
MAIDEN AMERICA
Exactly.
SNOOP LION
Not because of fear of man. For pain or punishment.
But because of some thoughts
MAIDEN AMERICA
Some thoughts not of his own volition.
Imagine that.
SNOOP LION
Because of some thoughts that come into his head
he stops doing stuff like that?
I hear those type of orgasms are intense. Really intense.
They’re not something you want to give up once you start.
(beat)
Wow.
I suppose if I were to read something like that, too
(beat)
There are verses of Bukhari from the Creator to Mohamed
that specifically told Mohamed to knock it off and stop,
and then there are actually verses stating that he did stop?
Other verses stating he put her in another tent, or something, like you said?
Didn’t touch her again, for years?
And then went and did something which showed contrition?
(beat; chuckle)
Wow. I see what you’re saying.
What got into Mohamed?
MAIDEN AMERICA
But no revelation like this ever did come to Mohamed.
PHARRELL
Hey, what you guys talking about?
TAYLOR SWIFT
Rappin’, Dude.
Rappin’ ‘bout Mohamed.
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